Oscar Du!
There’s some things that are a certainty; one of which that is there is an opportunity to showboat then I’ll do it. This is usually followed by pangs of regret.
Such an opportunity presented itself last evening at the Uptown’s Oscar party. Joel was asked to emcee the event. Part of the responsiblities included the giving away of prizes. At one point the idea was formed that all recipients of the prizes (which included haircuts and t-shirts) should give a speech showing their appreciation. As expected some winners were squeamish at getting up in front of an audience of several hundred.
I have no problem though. Despite the fact that my number never came up, I gave a speech and it would have been a fantastic one given the right context. Firstly, I was cut off by the show resuming (as all prizes were given away during the commercial break) when I resume at the next break I felt I didn’t have the time needed to give a fantastic speech. Ideally, I would need about five minutes with the first minute being complete silence. Below is the speech I should have given but did not.
(Silence)
(More Silence with me looking like I’m about to speak but followed by another 30 seconds)
I have been called upon this stage to let you know the apreciation I feel in being given the opportunity to speak on another strangers behalf. As is customary I will run down a list of things that I feel need recognition.First and foremost I would like to thank the alcohol (namely the 3 glasses of wine, the gin and tonic, the sangria, and the shooter of miscellaneous alcohol I consumed before coming onto the stage. I would also like to thank the well-mannered, courteous bar staff for their pleasant nature and quick service without which I’d merely be chatty.
Secondly, I would like the thank the shy stranger who let me showboat and grandstand on thier behalf. Opportunities like this don’t come everyday but with nothing but selflessness in their heart they allowed me to shine. They also get to keep the prize.
I’d also like to thank my dignity for deciding to stay home this evening and giving me the swagger to kick ass and take numbers (literally). There’s no place like home.
Goodnight.
What really happened is that my speech wasn’t nearly as good and I had hoped and I decided to bury my face for 15 minutes or so despite the consensus that people really did like it. I did ask Joel to apologize on behalf for the speech partly because I felt bad about it but really for comedic effect. I told him to play it up a bit and he did quite well.