Flashcube.org

While not really a glass half-empty kind of guy, I do make an awful judge of character because I assume that anytime I meet someone new they either want to kiss me or kill me. I’m still not sure which. I think it has something to do with the smile though.

In order to remedy this I took an online quiz over at the BBC Science & Nature website to see if I could spot a real smile from a fake one and I came out surprisingly well with a final score of 14 out of a possible 20.

Am I smiling? Most likely not because if there’s a reason not to smile it’s because I did my taxes this evening with a raging hangover and possibly 3 to 4 hours of sleep. I must love the abuse. There’s no other explanation. Needless to say, I’ve talked to no one tonight and will finally emerge from my shell tomorrow to socialize again.

There’s some things that are a certainty; one of which that is there is an opportunity to showboat then I’ll do it. This is usually followed by pangs of regret.

Such an opportunity presented itself last evening at the Uptown’s Oscar party. Joel was asked to emcee the event. Part of the responsiblities included the giving away of prizes. At one point the idea was formed that all recipients of the prizes (which included haircuts and t-shirts) should give a speech showing their appreciation. As expected some winners were squeamish at getting up in front of an audience of several hundred.

I have no problem though. Despite the fact that my number never came up, I gave a speech and it would have been a fantastic one given the right context. Firstly, I was cut off by the show resuming (as all prizes were given away during the commercial break) when I resume at the next break I felt I didn’t have the time needed to give a fantastic speech. Ideally, I would need about five minutes with the first minute being complete silence. Below is the speech I should have given but did not.

(Silence)
(More Silence with me looking like I’m about to speak but followed by another 30 seconds)
I have been called upon this stage to let you know the apreciation I feel in being given the opportunity to speak on another strangers behalf. As is customary I will run down a list of things that I feel need recognition.

First and foremost I would like to thank the alcohol (namely the 3 glasses of wine, the gin and tonic, the sangria, and the shooter of miscellaneous alcohol I consumed before coming onto the stage. I would also like to thank the well-mannered, courteous bar staff for their pleasant nature and quick service without which I’d merely be chatty.

Secondly, I would like the thank the shy stranger who let me showboat and grandstand on thier behalf. Opportunities like this don’t come everyday but with nothing but selflessness in their heart they allowed me to shine. They also get to keep the prize.

I’d also like to thank my dignity for deciding to stay home this evening and giving me the swagger to kick ass and take numbers (literally). There’s no place like home.

Goodnight.

What really happened is that my speech wasn’t nearly as good and I had hoped and I decided to bury my face for 15 minutes or so despite the consensus that people really did like it. I did ask Joel to apologize on behalf for the speech partly because I felt bad about it but really for comedic effect. I told him to play it up a bit and he did quite well.

This one page website features images of sex dolls placed next to the photos of the celebrities they are purported to resemble. I can understand why someone would want to have an encounter with one that resembles Mariah Carey but the Charles Bronson one clearly speaks of depravity.

While on the subject of sex dolls, what would one do if for instance your Realdoll was in need of repair? A call to the Realdoll Doctor would be in order. Now suffice to say that some of the areas that are in need of repair are quite obvious but when the doctor is fixing exposed hip joints and repairing the scalps I dare not imagine what was the impetus. Perhaps I’m jealous though because Real‚Ñ¢ or not, it’s still more action than I’ve seen lately.

The M-City Konstructor (apparantly there is no such thing as a hard C in German) is a seemingly pleasant way to while away a few minutes. I’m not sure what the purpose is. I just know that under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to decide where the roads should go as they’ll invariably go against all common sense. Enjoy.

On the desktop of my Mac I have a folder called “Flashcube.org Links”. In this folder contain 222 links that I have collected since December. Despite this fact I still have difficulty coming up with material tonight. So as a consequence, you’ll have to put up with a rundown of what’s going on this weekend.

Tomorrow I am going to take my niece to see the movie “Because of Winn Dixie” (Her choice. My $$$). The movie is about a girl who’s parents don’t want to her have a dog. She may be twelve but I can see right through her because she’s been having the same argument with my sister for the past few months and is trying to use me as leverage. She likes animals a lot and has scads of small rodent-type pets which are mostly kept in cages. They’re tolerated because my niece is quite responsible and takes good care of them. It would drive my sister to drink but she has bigger things to worry about like the fact that my nephew and two friends for whatever fucking reason decided to throw rocks at a truck causing a fair amount of damage. I was first made aware of this by another niece of mine via MSN chat. They’re all so computer saavy that it pleases me to no end (hint: my MSN chat = my first name + what’s written on the basketball. no spaces). I get to sleep in tomorrow while my sister does damage control.

I really do have a basketball (pictured above) but am still scouting out places downtown Calgary that are good to play come spring. I’m absolutely horrible but I find the repeated act of throwing the ball into a hoop quit therapeutic. I’m looking for a few good women or men as horrible as I to play. All interested parties should contact me in advance as it begins in April.

I’ll be practicing this Sunday afternoon before I shove off to an Oscar party at the Uptown in the evening in which my friend Joel is hosting. Wow! Don’t I sound like an asshole-about-town? Also, how does one host such a thing? The entire act of which seems sort of twice-removed and silly so how difficult can it really be “Thank you for coming out this evening. And now here’s Chris Rock dropping the F-bomb.”

By this time tomorrow evening I’ll be horribly drunk. Watch out!

Somehow I’ve been roped into writing a post once a week for another blog. It’s part of the Izzum (Calgary magazine thing) website and quite possibly the only functioning part of their website right now and where you can read reviews from music wanks such as myself as I talk shit about music that only I quite possibly like. It’s quite sad really. It isn’t the best example of my writing but apparantly my music tastes are respected by someone and that someone asked for a weekly commitment. I managed to squeeze it in between CSI: NY and self-loathing.

A better example of what I’m listening to at any given point in time can be seen at my Audioscrobbler profile. NOTE: If you decide to install the Audioscrobbler plugin for the Mac download the 1.0.1 version as the 0.75 version is flaky as shit and required me to kill the process via the Unix command line. Yes, I’m a nerd but I’m also cute.

In addition to being in peak physical condition and being excellent fighters, the women in the Israeli Defence Forces share the attribute of being beautiful as outlined in this photo essay.

I’ll admit it. I have a thing for women in fatigues and guns. I think it first manifested itself when I saw picture of Patty Hearst. Not being one to be outdone, Gaddifi has a squad of Guerilla girls that act as his personal security.

Holy Fuck! Childrens television shows are usually mind-numbing, soul-detroying experiences but this Icelandic one is just too much.

Welcome to LazyTown. Despite its namesake it isn’t really about being lazy at all but rather an television show/marketing empire (see their “Products” page) created by former Icelandic “Athelete of the year” Magn??s Scheving in order to promote healthy living. It’s fine to instill good values in children but frankly if I showed this video to my neices and nephew I’d lose that “cool uncle” title I’ve worked so hard to gain.

I can’t believe I missed this opportunity by one day.

It was last evening and I had just finished writing a bitchy post about how no one had bothered to enter my stupid essay contest when it occured to me that maybe I was going about things all wrong. Maybe I should try and be the nice guy for once and while I was mulling that over for half a second suddenly from out of nowhere appeared Patrick Swayze. The conversation went something like this:

Patrick Swayze: So you want to sell your soul?
Eric: But I didn’t even offer it to you. Aren’t I supposed to say, “I’d sell my soul for such and such” and then you appear?
Patrick Swayze: Well typically that’s how we like to do things but we’ve implemented a new policy of unsolicited appearances. We’re kind of trying it out and seeing how it goes because you might not realize that you want to sell your soul until we present our offer. May I interest in some cutlery?
Eric: Thanks but I’ve already a set. But that carrot peeler with the carrot-shaped handle looks pretty good. Where do I sign?

Fuck!! I knew I should have held out for the lint brush.

I took this personality test because I’m a sucker for quizzes on the internet and any insight into my personality flawed or not is always welcome.

So I slogged through the 72 yes or no questions on the quiz and finally it came to the conclusion that I always suspected which can be summarized in this little nutshell.

STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!!!

I’m halting this post because it’s not really going the way I planned and decided to steer it in a completely different direction.

NEWS: The winner of the essay contest is no one. I didn’t recieve one single entry. Not one sentence. Sure I recieved a few offers to send me their essay that they did for a school assignment but nothing that was remotely close to the subject as outlined in my original post. The option of writing a love poem instead of an essay also went ignored. Even I can come up with a haiku dedicated to me. Check this out.

Eric, I’ll love you
if you tell me that I’ve won
your fucking contest.

How hard is that!? It took me like 30 seconds to come with that. Yes, there were several emails expressing interest in winning and I was moved however I still believe that you gotta dance for your dinner.

Here’s the track listing that of the Mix CD that could have been won.

Je t’aime je t’aime - Tommy February6
It’s Your Dog Charlie Brown - Vince Guaraldi
Tandem - Halcali
Utatane no Hibi (l’ecume des jours) - Luminous Orange
Riding in the boat of the papyrus - Betsy & Chris
Banana split - Lio
Hitsuji No Ayumi - Okuda Tamio
White - Maximilian Hecker
Mirando atr?°s - La Buena Vida
Octobergirl - Pia Fraus
Follow me - Amanda Lear
Sayounara - Puffy
Butterfly - Sugar Plant
Poltergeist - Shiina Ringo
L’amour Toujours - Miharu Koshi
Wonder word - Supercar
Kaze Ni Azukete - Advantage Lucy
That Happy Feeling - Bert Kaempfert

In better news, Flashcube.org spring/summer basketball is slowly coming into being. In fact, I just bought a basketball today and plan on practising shooting hoops tomorrow. I still need a location but I’ve a while to figure that out. If anyone is interested in playing let me know and once everything’s in place I’ll make a formal announcement.

I never understood the need for sex manuals. I mean it’s not like I’m building a deck or anything. And besides, everything you thought you knew about sex pretty much goes out the window once you engage in the act with a new partner. It’s like a game but the rules keep on changing. People react differently to different stimuli because of different moods on different days. Any way you slice it you’re totally fucked, and not in the good way.

The act can be kind of like a ballroom dance with one partner leading and the other taking cues but instead of Mozart it’s usually R. Kelly. Slow, Quick-Quick. Slow, Quick-Quick. The funny thing is, turn the lights on and there isn’t anything sexy about sex. Now good conversation, that’s sexy. It’s all in the details.

I’ve never been so conflicted in my life. At the same time on opposing channels were both “The Saddest Music In The World” and “The Brady Bunch Movie“. Both are movies that I’ve been wanting to see for a long time but the deciding factor for me was Maria de Medeiros; a lady whom I’ve always thought beautiful. Isabella Rosellini is no slouch either. Plus I’ve always been a fan of 30’s expressionist silent film which visually “The Saddest Music…” borrows quite heavily from.

I was watching this Michigan state police video detailing the seven signs of terrorism and I couldn’t help but think that they bear a striking resemblance to the behavior elicited by me while falling head over heels in love. The 7 signs as per the video

Surveillance Also known as “checking out” and determining whether they’re a first class ticket or coach.
Elicitation Self-explanitory
Tests of Security How far is too far? How fast is too fast?
Aquiring Supplies Could be Blistex or other supplies.
Suspicious people who “don’t belong” Often times me after a night of heavy drinking.
Dry runs/Trial runs Goes hand-in-hand with Tests of Security but involves a mirror and a monologue.
Deploying assets or getting into position Yikes! “Deploying Assets” sounds like a euphemism for something nasty.

By the sounds of things I fit all the criteria and should thrown in the slammer as soon as fucking possible. But a love like this can’t be held behind bars for long.

UPDATE: So far a grand total of ZERO essays have been submitted for the contest. I think I may just keep the prize. Also, thanks for all the kind emails regarding the accident. I’m not dead, I just have a headache with explains the above post. The Valentines cards should have arrived by now. I hope they are up to snuff.

UPDATE UPDATE: Admittedly I edited this post after the fact in order to maintain an air of mystery about myself by replacing “her” or “she” with “them” or “their”. This should not be used of evidence of my sexuality (for the record: girl krazy!) but rather my attempt at remaining ambiguous on the internet. That was a failure on my part. Here are pictures of chincillas.

Yesterday’s brush with death got me thinking about some of the things I hope to accomplish before I pass into the great unknown. Thankfully these morbid thoughts should work themselves out of my system by the weekend in which case I’ll be back to my normal self. In the meantime however I’d like to share my list with you and hopefully you should be able to provide insight or even add a few points of your own in the comments. Here’s the list in no particular order.

Eric’s To Do Before I Die
1. Get Married.
2. Get Divorced.
3. Get Married Again.
4. Move to Kosrae.
5. Learn the piano.
6. Learn French and Japanese.
7. Be debt-free.
8. Find fulfilling job and be paid well for it.
9. Travel the world, meet new and interesting people, kiss them.
10. Own a Dodge Charger.
11. Be on the front page of a magazine.
12. Become important, have hangers on.
13. Run a marathon.

Of course I could make the list longer had I the time but this is what occurred to me at the time of writing. Comment or slander below.

Dalek are a fantastic trio out of New York that are doing more for the creative spirit of hip-hop than their blinged-out contemporaries. Consequently they’re bigger abroad than in U.S.

Dalek are dropping some otherworldly shit too because sonically they reside somewhere between My Bloody Valentine and Boogie Down Productions. I know it sounds implausible but it’s an accurate description. Check out “Ever Somber” off their latest album Absence to see what I mean.

Currently they’re touring the Eastern U.S. but will doing a Japanese tour in March. They have no plans to come to Calgary.

Someone please do me a favour and let me sleep in next Valentine’s Day because between getting dumped on the last one and getting into a near fatal car accident this morning, I figure that this day simply wasn’t made for me.

The good news is that I’m not hurt other than the pain across my chest from the seatbelt. The paramedics say that whiplash has a way of showing up later on so I’ll have to keep an eye out for that.

It happened like this: My father kindly offered me a ride to work this morning and while travelling down 12th street N.E. between McKnight and 32nd Avenue we got hit. A minivan travelling northbound swerved to avoid a car that was coming out of one of the driveways, lost control, and did a 270 into the southbound lane. The back of the van hit us and had I been in anything less solid than a Dodge truck I’d probably be writing this from the hospital. The photo above illustrates the damage. Both vehicles involved in the accident are a write off.

They say that the 2 or 3 seconds before impact are the longest seconds one can experience and I’d tend to agree. It was almost as if the world went completely quiet and slowed down. I could see the van spinning towards us, I knew there was nothing we could do to avoid it, and I just braced. By my estimation it hit us around 50km/hour.

So with that, here’s a link to a website featuring safe winter driving tips. I’m taking the rest of the night off.

I’m a bit scatterbrained at the moment so tonights post will consist of various things that happen to be on my mind right now.

Thought 1: The new Emma Bunton album isn’t as good as the reviews suggest. The arrangments are obviously Burt Bacharach influenced but the songs aren’t really good despite that. I liked her much better in that one episode of Absolutely Fabulous.

Thought 2: Do dead musicians win Grammys by default? Also, where did the last three and a half hours of my life go?

Thought 3: Why is the DVD for Liquid Sky so expensive?

Thought 4: Would people actually be willing to play basketball with me in the summer or will I be shooting hoops by myself?

Thought 5: Is it irrational to by scared of getting one’s hair done by a new person based upon the recommedation of the lady who used to cut my hair? Does the word “texturized” mean the same things to all stylists?

Thought 6: I’m quite looking forward to hearing the album that Yuki did with Kate Pierson of the B-52’s. Yuki’s new album comes out in Japan on the 23rd. I hope it doesn’t cost me $70 to import like that Tommy February6 album.

Thought 7: Spreading good will and sending out countless Valentines doesn’t change the fact that I’ll be spending it by myself. Also, how hard is it to learn how to play the mandolin?

Thougtht 8: I should really finish the lyrics to that songs I came up with on the ukelele which is far out of my singing range. I need a muse .and a paycheck. Love don’t come for free.

Thought 9: These are fantastic shirts! Life is better than anything I could possibly imagine.

I have absolutely no adversion to plastic surgery for myself as long as there’s general anesthetic involved. If I could afford it I would have already gone under the knife a few times already.

Certainly, I don’t want to recreate an episode of “The Swan” but I see nothing wrong with a little nip here, a tuck there. Why should self-improvement be exclusive to setting personal goals in life like climbing mountains and some new age spiritual quest? Yawn!

I don’t believe that my body issues are any more or less bothersome than the majority of peoples but I’m a “glass half full” kind of guy and see it as a “fixer-upper”. Besides, the post-surgery me would just be “me, but better”.

But moderation is tantamount and as much as I’m an advocate there is such a thing as bad taste and too damn much.

The worst offender of which is stunningly awful breast implant. I see absolutely no reason that a small, slight woman should have two grapefruits strapped to the front of her chest with her skin stretched over tighter than a snare drum. Theres a gallery of some truly awful implants here. I will warn you in advance that the site is explicite and not work-friendly.

A more work-friendly website which has absolutely nothing to do with the above is the virtual bubble wrap sent to me by DG. To me the incentive of popping the bubbles was invoked by the voice which sighed “Must have more!” every time I started a new sheet. Now that’s something to go under the knife for!

Illustrated legends from ancient Japan.

Otogi Zoshi are tales for adults and children enjoy alike. In the Muromachi Period and the Edo Period, people would have great fun thumbing through the pages by themselves or have someone read to them - there were many ways to enjoy the stories. The greatest pleasure of all though, must surely have been the beautiful painted color illustrations.

Gallery of Commustist era Russsion posters. Nice.

UPDATE: Okay, okay. I admit this post was kind of half-assed but I genuinely tired because of my lack of sleep combined with the workout after work this evening. Sometimes when I’m on that treadmill near the end of my allotted time and some rediculous incline and speed I think to myself, “Did cavemen ever worry about their body?” I suspect not which brings me to believe that we never should have decended from trees in the first place.

UPDATE UPDATE: The reaction to my offer of free Valentine’s Day cards has been pretty good but so for only one stranger has stepped up to the plate for and emailed me asking for a Valentine (and offered to trade no less).

Attention anonymous readers: I am not a stalker. There are not enough hours in the day for that nonsense plus I have much more fulfilling hobbies and by most accounts (my mom’s) I am a very nice, thoughtful person.