Flashcube.org

I’m pleased as punch whenever someone I know decides to cast forth their opinions to the unforgiving audience of the internet. My dear friend Anya has done just that in her new weblog. I can’t speak highly enough of Anya and her steadfast and uncompromising belief that everyone should look great all the time.

In her tenure at the Alberta College of Art & Design, she began her revolution against the frumpy, unwashed masses with the gift of make-up and pumps. ACAD and the world is a better place because of her.

Having completed the first phase of her revolution, she has cast her gaze towards the internet as a medium in which to continue the fight. I look forward to not only reading her observations but being a lieutenant in her fashion army and to make the world a more beautiful place.

My glorious career in art came to an end many years ago but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have an appreciation or curiosity for what’s going on in the art world.

CY sent me a link to a piece by Wim Delvoye currently being exhibited at the Museum of Contemporary Art (MuHKA) in Antwerp. In this particular piece he has created a machine that duplicates the human digestive process with the end result being well….. shit. Now one would think that after being bankrolled by various grants to create this large, very expensive machine that there would be no money to be made. Wim has it all figured out though because he bags and signs the end product (shit) and sells it to the elite for $1000.

As with any Postmodern work, it can be difficult to determine the true intention. On one hand he’s built this rather large machine which unto itself can be critiqued as an installation, but on the other hand it may be simply a means to an end in order to sell people shit. While I can appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit, I don’t like the art.

Sometimes I simply have nothing funny to say. Here are a collection of images from the current NASA Saturn mission.

Here’s an incredible collection of Japanese commercials from the eighties and early nineties. Far too numerous to watch in one sitting. All are encoded in Windows Media format. I started to watch them but then got a bit bored after a while and then taught myself to play “Some Guys Have All The Luck” by Rod Stewart on the ukulele. Both activities brought me equal enjoyment.

Ephemera Now is a nice website to kill a few minutes at. It focuses on mostly old photography and advertisements from the middle of the last century. Fun. Friendly.

Now I’ve drank quite a bit in the last year and I think that I’m finally beginning to hit my stride. Maybe I’ve done a few things that may be a smidge uncouth but I hope that like me you think they’re endearing. Oddly one of things I’ve never done is the drunken end-of-the-evening phonecall where I tell the unfortunate soul on the other end how much I think they’re the bee’s knees. Often times for me it’s the drunken email which in a lot of ways can be worse as there’s evidence of it the next morning in my Sent folder. Luckily for me, when I slide my way into my computer chair and start to type I become hyper-articulate and dare I say charming. Thus far there hasn’t been a negative reaction and were I to ask the recipients of such messages (whomever they are) to step up the plate and verify my claims I’m positive they would.

This of course can be contrasted with my behavior earlier in the evening when I come of as Mister Good-Time Charlie albeit a little sleazier and drunker. But you know what, I’ve no regrets for all the women I’ve kissed or attempted to kiss (nice dodge!), whom I exclaimed that they look fantastic, beautiful, and stunning. Nor do I regret the people who I decided were my new friend a minute after I’ve met them. I am acting on a base desire to be as starkly truthful as possible. It’s a New Year’s resolution that I got a head start on a month or so ago when I knew I was leaving Vancouver and had nothing to lose by telling the truth to friends, aquaintances and strangers alike. I liked the feeling and decided to stick with it. So while some people may be unnerved, I believe that everyone likes a compliment — even if it is by someone like me. And you never know, maybe one day if your number’s on my cell, I just may call you at 4 in the morning and tell you that you are the epitome of cool, breezy, and lovely. Don’t hang up, talk to me.

One of the hardest things about watching the commercial for McDonalds Israel newest menu item the McShuarma is knowing that I’ll never be able to have one because a trip to Israel isn’t in my immediate future. What cruel fate indeed.

You can watch the video here or if you wish to download it for posterity click here.

Note: One thing I noticed is that the spelling seems to differ on the McDonalds Israel website whereas on the webpage it is spelled “McShuarma” and the direct link to the movie file itself is spelled “McShoarma”. If one of my Jewish readers would kindly inform me of the correct spelling so I don’t off as a retarded Gentile. Thanks.

Some people have said that Japanese rope bondage is an artform. I have difficulty casting an opinion one way or another. On one hand, I can appreciate the craftsmanship and the knowledge that goes into the intricacy of the knots, but on the other hand sexual restraints aren’t really my bag. This is coming from a person who can barely tie his shoes at the best of times and is destined to become an old man rocking velcro sooner than one would think.

For those who are into it, the website offers several tutorials such as the Kikkou Torsoise Shell and the (gulp) Aosagi Rope Suspension. There are also ropes you can purchase in a variety of different lengths and colours. If anything, in this inclimate weather such activities would kill an afternoon.

I should really brush up on my sewing skills. Sure, I can hem a pair of pants and alter some things but making something from scratch is far beyond my capabilities. Maybe one day I’ll get myself a top-of-the-line Pfaff instead of that antique Singer (circa 1911) with the fucked-up tension I have, go to town and make myself a Sushi pillow. Just the thought of sushi makes me drool in anticipation. Yes, I know. Not a pretty thought but somewhere, someone is getting off on it and it’s not me.

Do you harbour any deep dark secrets that you can’t tell anyone? Did you finish the last Twizzler? Did you have unclean thoughts? The first thing you should do is visit this site and come clean. Or if you don’ t like that you can write your own. Personally, while I think the whole washing the hands and waiting and the hand to appear can be boring after the first few times, I find it a bit endearing. If you’re bored, you can always post your confessionals here. The comments won’t let you post anonymously but can use a nom de plume if you wish.

We all know which company the coyote in Warner Brothers cartoons frequents the most but we have to wait until each cartoon to see what product he chooses to use in his relentless quest to get that fucking bird. Here is the complete Acme product catalog as per the cartoons — ranging all the way from the Acme Adding Machine to the Acme X-Ray.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve a dedicated but quiet following to this website. Well, at least that’s what my website logs infer. Besides, I’m far too tired to give everyone a cocklashing for not commenting on my well-crafted posts.

Here’s something I came across this afternoon. Paint a pretty picture. I’d tell you how to do it but since I figured it out, the Flashcube intelligensia should have no problem at all. Baste in your own creative juices.

It’s a wonderfully slow day here at Flashcube headquarters. Between preparing for a job interview tomorrow (which I had to get all by myself. Thank you very much) and my latest attempt to keep the Canada Student Loan zombies off my back, I’ve nary a minute to bring you a wonderful post. I had to dig deep into the “to be posted” links archive that I keep handy in such an emergency. I’m sure you’ll like this though.

The Weekly World News is running an article with some tips on how to tell if your prostitute is an extra-terrestrial. It’s a damn good thing I’ve never succombed to any carnal urges that would lead me into the unceasing grasp of a lady of the night (be it earth-bound or otherwise). But who’s to say what my readership does on their time off. Oddly, if one were to take the article and replace the word “prostitute” and with “girlfriend” then I’m quite positive that most of my ex’s come from another planet. That would explain the green skin, extra appendages, and prehensile tongue. It did make for some good time in bed though.

I’ll know that I’ve truly made it when I become a reality TV show has-been. I’ll do the whole talk show circuit. Maybe I’ll even end up on The View trading a clever ripost or two with that disgusting creature Star Jones and the rest of the menopausal cast (the show’s never been the same since Lisa Ling left).

But getting there in the first place is half the struggle. First I have to, you know, audition. Then I have to decide whether or not I’m going to be fabulously good or tremendously bad. Though I’m a song and dance man, the latter move is more of a sure thing. I mean, can anyone remember the assholes who shared the stage with William Hung prior to the finalists being chosen? Luckily this website has the skinny on what shows are having casting calls and where to go. You may just get to know me yet.

What goes better than a new city to live in? Perhaps a new job to accompany it. Given my hasty retreat from my 5-year Vancouver sabbatical, I hardly gave much thought to the prospect and now after two weeks of cruising and boozing I am staring headlong into the glaring eyes of unemployment.

The good very is that I have a lot of skills, can start immediately, and am generally likable in the workplace. I’m even willing to step up to the plate and post my resume for all to see. Your job: read it over, send me an email if you know of any prospects, or forward it to someone who may be interested in someone like me. In return, I promise to keep up the quality of posts that you’ve come to enjoy from Flashcube.org

One of the problems that’s constantly bit me in the ass is the fact that some folks in HR see me as “overqualified” for whatever position I’m going for. I heard it so much that for a while I was tempted to take a hammer to my skull and dumb down myself a smidge. But enough of that, here are my skills in a nutshell with preference going from most preferred (top) to not as preferred but am quite competent (bottom):

For the person who refers me to a job, I’ll make a solemn promise of writing and recording a song about them and unlike Momus , I won’t charge $1000 and it won’t go towards paying for the legal bill incurred for being the defendant in a slander suit by a transexual synthesizer artist. I swear.

Vincent Gallo has apparantly filmed a video featuring Paris Hilton. I watched it and thought that it was quite pretty (yes, that’s the best adjective I can use). Then again, I really enjoyed The Brown Bunny when I saw it last month and thought that it compliments it nicely in terms of the general mood. More information can be found here. Thanks Anya for the link.

I’ve managed to dodge the bullet when it comes to dealing with the logistics of planning a party due to rampant unpopularity (whew!). Were I stuck in such a position I’d probably just quietly shut off the lights, find a nice comfortable spot underneath the desk, curl up into a fetal position and wait for the whole damn thing to be over. Do I really need to concern myself with such things as: Is it a quiet get-together or an all-out dance party? Formal or informal dress? What to cook? Midget or no midget?

Pardon me. What was that last question?

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “You know what would really kick this party into high-gear? A mothafuckin’ midget.” then Rent-A-Midget has you covered. Prices start at $75 and you can choose from a variety of midgets ranging from the erstwhile Drevron to the sexy Bridget to fulfill your party needs. Unemployed folks of small stature may also be interested as they are currently on the lookout for a few good men and women to help rock the house of various frat-boy kegger parties in the Los Angeles area.

In the deep recesses of Mother Russia beautiful, beguiling women are scheming to take your heart and your money. Are you prepared or will you be entranced be their charms?

Thanks for all who voted it the “Dreamiest” poll but 257% of the popular vote is a little too flattering. I even don’t like myself that much.

I usually visit the BBC website for news; be it either current event or arts & entertainment. However, dig a little deeper. Deeper still and you’ll find their section devoted to teen sex education. The frank discussion of which makes me even a little unnerved. I mean do I really need to see a flash cartoon titled Willy Wonky (do the math) and Funny Flaps (how little I actually know)? I will give them credit for addressing these ummm…. “concerns” because better them than the jerk who told me in grade two that mommies have babies through their belly button. I’m still dealing with the truth.