Flashcube.org

Despite the fact that I spent most of today nursing a hangover and playing video games, I feel that my time is important. I don’t like to fuck around when it comes to relationships, sex, or friendships. Most of all friendships. I’ve given this some thought over the last week or so as I’ve arbitrarily decided to make lots of new friends. Most of them don’t even know it yet!

I’ve prioritized forming new friendships the same way that I’ve recently approached marriage. Do it fast, go with your gut instinct, then work out the particulars. I’ve only recently implemented this approach (not to marriage as I’m still working on that). And while I may have been drunk, even sober I still stand 100 percent behind this belief.

Typically, the formation of a friendship is not unlike dating. Both follow a similar series of steps and only differ in the sense that by design they may or may not involve the exchange of bodily fluids.

Friendships: the typical approach

At this point things will either bloom or wilt. Most often the latter. But that’s the way the ball bounces, motherfucker. I’ve decided to turn this approach on end for the last few friendships that I’ve formed. The key word being “I” because usually the other party doesn’t have a say in the manner. My approach is thus.

Friendships: the Eric approach

I’ve already executed this plan several times over the last few weeks and even as recently as last evening with mixed results. Often times the new friend is perplexed at the approach because most friendships are formed with something called consensus. Also because I’m being forthright and not asking for sex.

One of the typical arguments used against my approach is that I’ve lost grip with reality and have finally succumbed to my not so nascent megalomaniacal urges. To retort would assume that I disagree. I know I’m self-absorbed. Most people are completely happy to have their existence reside within the confines of their own body. That bores me. I want to spread my existence over other peoples. It’s a damn good thing that I’m not in politics.

Poor Lee Bond. All he wants is to be left alone and not subject to renovation hell that his arguably deranged (though I’m sure she’s really nice) mother is putting him through. I admire his resolve because I would have snapped long ago.

It started with shelving in the closet. Which I like. But the process, which invloves a father who can literally spend sixteen hours choosing the proper nails, was a long and painful one, complete with architectural designs that would have flabbergasted Frank Lloyd Wright and horrified my ninth grade english teacher (closet is almost always spelled clost, and it ain’t shorthand she’s dropping down.) Any and all renovations in my room, small enough to frighten lifers on death row with it’s size, involves the removal of all my worldly possessions to ‘make room for your father and his tools’. This is a big lie. It’s so she can create a list of things I own that she wants me to throw away.

While the idea of the physically fit nerd may at first seem an oxymoron, this webpage shows how the destroy that stereotype through the exercise regime that it advocates. Don’t try this at home.

Snow or Blow. No, it’s not a choice of recreational drugs, you damn hippies! It’s an online game and the best I could come up with this evening. Move around and catch snowflakes. That it.

Transsexual Voice For The Tone Deaf is a website where members of the male-to-female transgendered community can provide constructive criticism on their “female” voice. It takes some practice to master a convincing female voice so big ups to them. The archive page features voice samples as well the techniques used. There’s also some really interesting articles on vocal physiology. Interestingly, on their tips page they suggest singing as practice. One of the bands they suggest is Rush. Now I know that Geddy Lee has a high voice but I never thought it would be used as an example for the male-to-female transgendered community.

I’m such a good sport that I decided to give it a shot myself. Below are two samples featuring my regular voice and my “female” voice. By the sounds of things I’d make a shitty transsexual so thank goodness it’s not my bag.

Male Voice
Female Voice

There’s no shame in liking The Go-Go’s. After all Beauty And The Beat and Vacation are pretty good albums. I don’t know whether We Got The Meat (an all-male Go-Go’s cover band) are really doing this out of a genuine regard for the band or tongue-in-cheek irony. I hope it’s genuine.

On a related note, Momus has an interesting take on the recent glut of bands who seem hung up on the past and really tears a strip into such lightweights as The Libertines and The Darkness. I’m all for camp and kitsch but there’s a very thin line dividing The Darkness from say…..Hedwig & The Angry Inch.

Few people are in a position to be critical of other musicians. Momus is one of them as his songwriting has few peers. It’s nice to see him rant especially where it’s deserved. Here he is on The Libertine’s song Don’t Look Back Into The Sun.

Dig through layer on layer of lazy, half-digested, half-understood references (Oasis’ ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’, Bob Dylan’s ‘don’t look back’, David Bowie’s ‘Look Back in Anger’, the play of the same name by John Osborne, ‘Black Hole Sun’ by Soundgarden… who knows, and who really cares?) and you might find the core of this half-assed song — the vague and veiled heroin reference in ‘taste for it’ and ‘never let you go’. Just like some tedious old junky (or, even worse, an ‘air junky’ just going through the motions in ironic-moronic-reverent mode), rock music prefers to stay in its bedroom listening to old records than go out and join the dots of all the interesting, funny, trivial or important stuff going on in the world.

I played an online ESP game this evening in order to test any precognitive abilities I harbour. The short story: I can barely tell you the time one minute from now. The long story: Once the game loads you are presented with an image and are supposed to guess what word your partner is guessing. I was never quite sure if the “partner” was a program or another person. It was never made that clear. In the end I barely made “novice”.

From what I could tell the images were culled from the internet. Some were easier than others like images of dogs and nature. Pretty basic stuff. But I got stuck near the end when for whatever reason I got an image of a blonde woman pouring water onto her chest. Immediately, I started typing, “Dear Me!”, “Life is cruel.” and “Pants Growing Shorter.” The partner had some difficulty guessing my answers though.

Oh what fun to be had with this online comic strip creator. Strangely, when faced with the challenge of coming up with a witty comic strip I drew a blank. Strip Creator features of a variety a characters from such online comics as Diesel Sweeties and Penny Arcade but oddly miss the only online comic that matters to me.

As a Canadian, I watched a lot of CBC television growing up. Often times my favourite shows were punctuated by Hinterland Who’s Who clips. While at the time I thought they were stupid and boring now I look at them as a significant piece of Canadiana. Enjoy.

It’s the late-70’s video for the song “Apache.” by Tommy Seebach. He was very popular in Denmark and entered the Eurovision song contest on more than one occasion. Okay, maybe the video is a smidge culturally insensitive because of the content. Tommy seebach playing synth in a fringe suede jacket with three very obviously non-Native American women dancing around and singing in suede bikinis with a child’s teepee in the background. All of this most likely filmed in the countryside of Denmark. I’ll forgive the lack of cultural ummm… tact because I got to see three cute Danish women dance around to a disco song. Here are the lyrics as carefully transcribed by me.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Apache!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Brave warriors.
Riders of the plains.
Their land is strong earth.
They must be free.
To live their own lives.
Free! Free! Apache!

Moving long distances is generally a pain and can be pretty stressful at the best of times. I was and still am feeling stressed about the entire ordeal so on a whim I typed up “stress relief” in Google and came across this. Now how is a website that makes you want to punch the screen supposed to relax you. I read about how the stars cope with stress but it just made me more upset because of their financial position in respect to mine. I tried watching their relaxation movies but got bored very quickly. After all that bullshit, I decided to compile a list of things that would help me get out of my stressful position. Here they are:

1. Cash Money. Some jackass said once that money doesn’t buy happiness, David Lee Roth once responded, “It might not, but it can buy me a big enough yacht that I can sail up right next to it.”

2. A Fulfilling Job. There seems to be some sort of discrepancy between the things I studied and the things I’m doing.

3. The Loving Arms of a Beautiful Woman. Preferably American. We’ll elope in Hawaii and send our respective parents the wedding Poloroid. Please and thank you.

4. An Accomplice. As per the song International Pop Overthrow by Material Issue.

Once I have those things I can take on the world and not flinch. Okay, maybe two of the four. Maybe one. Okay fine, number three.

Vancouver’s already taken my fucking soul. It may as well take most of my worldly possessions. I am moving from British Columbia in 3 weeks. I hate moving lots of things and have decided to take this opportunity to get rid of most of it. If you are in the Vancouver area, I have the following things for sale:

• 1 Futon and Mattress Good condition. Clean.

• 1 Microwave 2 years old. Works perfectly. White.
• 1 Hand-Made Bookshelf Really nice. Did I mention hand-made? Built from scratch 3 years ago as a trade for design work.
• 1 Couch Okay condition. Beige. Long enough so that my 6 foot 2 frame can nap comfortably on it. Very comfy.
• 1 scanner Agfa snapscan 1212. USB. Works well under Mac, Linux, and Windows.
• 1 TV 15 inch. Small compact. New-ish. Comes with RF modulator so you can hook up a DVD player to it.
• 1 Desk and matching chair Military-grade steel with a faux-wood top. Pea green.

Everything here is negotiable. I need to get rid of it. I need the money. Lets make a deal. Email me if you are interested in any of these items. Also, check out stuff I’m selling on Ebay.

After watching quite possibly the most irritating resume ever in both English and French one has to wonder if he’s been hired or not. I’m guessing yes.