Flashcube.org

A friend of mine Mike Schulz has a thing or two to say about travelling. Can I disagree? Not in the least because I’m the asshole who just picked up 100 pounds worth of clothes from the Greyhound station earlier this afternoon and just last week I was complaining about my lack of trousers.

On the lost art of being a terrible traveller: Holiday Edition.

Part One: Packing

1) When packing do so late at night, preferably in a hurry, even if you
have plenty of time.

2) Listen to your instincts. Particularly if it is a voice telling you
to be prepared for every eventuality. Perhaps, for instance, you may
want to wear a suit during your trip. In that case pack two.

3) Have you recently done laundry and thus have nothing but clean socks
and underwear? Pack them all. You can never have enough socks and
underwear. Haven’t done laundry in a while and having nothing but soiled
undergarments. Pack them all. You can never do enough free laundry.

4) *Special Tip* Pack all your shirts with their hangers. Who knows…
you may have closet space at your destination. Besides its faster (see
tip 1) and clothes hangers can’t weigh that much can they?

5) Buy your X-mas gifts according to weight. Ideal purchasing comment:
‘Wow, these decorative bookends are clearly made of a sturdy metal. I
wonder if its lead?’

6) You can never pack enough shoes.

7) Make sure to pack any work that you are guarenteed not to do.
Similarly, make sure to bring all those books you’ve been meaining to
read for the last six months but haven’t. Hardbacks are ideal.

8) I cannot stress this tip enough. Ensure that your luggage is at least
twenty years old. New enough to be ugly, but old enough to predate the
marriage of suitcases and wheels. Also it is highly desirable for your
luggage to be twice as big as anything you could possibly carry. Finally
your luggage should have at least one sharp protrusion (perhaps a broken
buckle) with which you can tear your own clothes and the clothing of
others.

9)Finally, remember, it is not how much you bring with you, it is how
badly you pack it.

Part 2: Getting to getting there is 1/4 the fun!

Assuming you have packed appropriately, the next and most hazardous
part of the journey is ahead of you. Not the journey itself but getting
to the bus depot, train station. or air port.

Tips:

1) Under no circumstances take a taxi. This is a must. Rather, one
should use public transportation, ideally with a number of transfers
between buses and/or trains.

2) Ensure that you must be at your embarkation point during peak
commuting hours. Nothing impresses commuters more than someone squeezing
their way onto a crowded train with three times their body mass in
luggage. Especially if your luggage has sharp edges as per Pt. 1, tip 8.

3) Make certain to get off of public transportation a stop or two early.
With your heavy, unwheeled, luggage you should look as though you have
completed a triathalon before you arrive at the station. Crying is also
recommended.

4) If you speak the language, don’t.

5) Make sure you arrive before the recommended time and then become
irratible when your plane/train/bus is twenty minutes late.

Lastly, three general tips to make you a terrible traveller:

1) Stress is your friend. Repeat after me: Hurry up and wait. Hurry up
and wait…

2) Under no circumstances sleep before your journey. It takes away from
your unholy edge. Ideally consume a caffinated or alcholic beverage
before boarding (if possible have both).

3) Do not bathe. Make sure everyone smells the coffee, cigarrets and
scotch you have consumed.

Any rate, happy holidays one and all. To those to whom I have more or
less lost contanct with and now hang my head in semi-shame to, please
drop me a line at this here email address. I like check it and stuff.
Also, if anyone is in Calgary and would like to try to hook up, I will
be there between Boxing Day and January 2. Merry X-Mas

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004 at 19:22 PM and is filed under flashcube. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.